Setting Boundaries

Are you someone who identifies as a caregiver? Do you identify as sensitive? Do you often feel overwhelmed by the negativity of others? Are you a people pleaser and an empath? If this sounds like you, you may be someone who struggles with setting energetic boundaries. 

So, what are boundaries and why are they important when it comes to intuition work?  

Boundaries are the invisible barriers we create to protect ourselves from absorbing the negative energy from others. They help us maintain a sense of wellness and self-awareness. We set physical limits all the time when it comes to our personal space. If your doctor is sitting in a chair, you know you can’t sit on their lap. Setting energetic boundaries protects our emotional space. You are the master of your own vessel. You need to grant permission for the negative energy of others to enter into your spiritual container.

Being sensitive to other people’s emotions is a gift that can mean you’re highly intuitive, but boundary work is essential for intuitive wellness so that you don’t ping pong around the world reacting to everyone else.  

As highly sensitive individuals, we often find ourselves navigating a constant barrage of negative and positive energy – from the people we interact with to the environments we inhabit. We are constantly having a dialogue about who we are, what we want, and what our desires are, and what is happening in our lives, all through energetic conversations. Having spiritual barriers is not about shutting others out; it’s about honoring ourselves and being sensitive to our needs, while still maintaining healthy relationships with those around us. 

Intuition can get lost when we prioritize the mental health and emotions of other people over our own. For example:

1. You have a thought, but question whether to express it because you know others will disagree with you.
   

2. You change your behaviors and plans based on the emotional reactions of others, being in a state of reaction rather than creation.
   

3. You get so drained by social relationships that you have a hard time enjoying public spaces and events.

How do you know you have a problem with setting energetic boundaries?

1. You are a people pleaser and empath.
   

2. You are overly sensitive to the needs of others that you are at the point of exhaustion.
   

3. You feel resentful in relationships because you are the only one overextending yourself.
   

4. You are passive aggressive because you struggle to communicate directly.
   

5. You can’t hold on to positive energy.

If all of the above sounds familiar, your antenna is pointing out instead of in. Why does this matter for intuitive wellness?

1. You lose the ability to be intuitive when you prioritize external feedback over internal feedback.
   

2. What is right for someone else, isn't always what is right for you. When you're tuned into the needs and wants of others, it can be hard to hear your own next best step.
   

3. Intuition requires a focus on the self. The voices of other people can be so loud, they can drown out your own needs, thoughts, and emotions. 

Intuition vs. Out-Tuition

Whenever a new student takes the Fleur intuition course, I ask them if they can recall an intuitive moment. The majority of my students bring up a time that they had an “intuitive moment” about someone else. This is not intuition. Intuition is energetic information that is about the self, for you to live your most expanded life. On the contrary, out-tuition is information about others. 

At first glance, out-tuition may seem like a gift—a powerful tool that allows us to connect with others on a deep and meaningful level. Why does it matter if I receive energetic information about my mother, my sister, or my child? These are relationships I care about, so isn’t this a good thing? Well, yes and no. 

If you receive a balance of out-tuition and intuition, then this wouldn’t be an issue. Out-tuition gives you the ability to service and reflect someone back to themselves, and that’s a beautiful thing. Out-tuition is particularly advantageous to those in caregiving professions such as therapy, healthcare, education, or veterinary science. Anyone who is in the business of helping others is tuning into the energy of the clients or patients, offering support, guidance, and healing through the use of out-tuition. However, the majority of you out there receive ninety percent energetic information about others and ten percent energetic information about you. This is an indication that you might need to do some energetic boundary work. The ability to distinguish between out-tuition and intuition is very important. Intuition requires internal feedback and the ability to focus on self, and out-tuition doesn’t. 

If you spend all of your time as a people pleaser, thinking about others all the time, the energetic information that is meant for you cannot rise. This imbalance can affect our mental health and lead to feelings of burnout, rejection, confusion, anxiety, or even resentment, as we struggle to discern our own thoughts and feelings from those of others in our orbit. By setting energetic boundaries, we ensure that we’re not overextending ourselves or neglecting our mental health and spiritual wellness in favor of others. 

Why do empaths struggle with setting energetic boundaries?

For the empath, setting energetic boundaries can be a daunting task. We may fear being seen as self-involved or uncaring, or we may simply be unsure of where to begin. 

Empathic people are highly attuned to the emotions and energies of others, so it’s not uncommon for them to feel highly affected by those around them. While sensitivity can be a great gift that allows us to connect with other people, it can also be overwhelming, especially for people who work in caring professions. When empaths establish strong energetic boundaries, they can help others by ensuring that their own energy remains intact and positive. This balance allows you to be more present and focused. Rather than absorbing the negative energies of others, setting boundaries can help you create a space where you can support and observe from a place of strength, which in turn makes you much more able to help others. By modeling energetic boundaries, empaths can also teach others to do the same. This ripple effect can lead to healthier, more balanced relationships.

A story about a student who took the Fleur Intuition Mastery Method.

Anja took the Fleur intuition course and had recently moved to New York from Austria. With an inviting personality and an infectious laugh, you just want to be her friend. Like many of us, Anja was a people pleaser and deeply compassionate. As a teacher working with teenagers, she often felt guilty about setting energetic boundaries. 

Guilt around having limits is a common feeling, and often comes from deep-rooted insecurities. In my experience, the conversations around practicing healthy boundary work can often be very triggering to the clients who take the Fleur intuition course, and have deep roots that can be traced back to childhood. If you were a people pleaser as a child, you would use your heightened sensitivity to connect to others. Being the people pleaser who could be the shoulder to cry on and listen to the burdens of others would make us feel of value. Our self-worth revolved around our ability to “give.” Other people may see setting boundaries as a personal failure, or an inability to “handle” the emotional burdens that have been given to us. 

Education tends to attract caregivers. The best teachers are empaths because they are sensitive to the needs of their kids. With so many students, Anja could only give so much of herself before her emotional cup was full. Moreover, her personal life suffered; despite her attempts at setting boundaries, she struggled to maintain them. 

“Fleur’s Boundary Module helped me learn how to take responsibility for what’s really mine and how to take better care of myself,” Anja says. “It brought me back to my center, and I physically felt my confidence grow. For so long, I hadn’t felt this way, that I could be my own human being.”   As Anja’s story illustrates, setting energetic boundaries can give us our power back and make us better at taking care of others. 

Is this intuitive information for me or for someone else?

When you’re sensitive (I’m looking at you!), you can easily take on the burdens of others, so much so that it can feel like your life is equally affected or that you can’t hear your inner voice because everyone else’s voice is a little louder. The boundary work I teach is different from traditional therapy work because this line in the sand is felt, not heard-- you need to set yours energetically. 

I used to struggle with the difference between out-tuition and intuition myself. Years ago, if you were to ask me if I was intuitive, I would have said yes. I knew what was happening in the lives of all of my friends and I was very much the confidante to help them see their lives more clearly. I’m an empath, and honing in on someone else’s spiritual body to see what information they needed, that was something I could do all day long. This was so easy for me, that I had a successful career as a psychic. However, I could not be intuitive about myself. I didn’t know where I was going or what was best for me and I struggled with decision-making. Once I was able to tune into the energetic information about my spirit self, I was able to call upon it at will. I was able to make decisions that were the best for me and my confidence skyrocketed. 

So, how do we know if energetic information about others is meant for us? Let’s consider an example: you receive a vision that your sister is pregnant. On the surface, this might feel like an intuitive moment, especially if your sister’s pregnancy will impact your life in some way. However, if the vision is solely focused on your sister’s experience and doesn’t provide any insight or guidance for your own path, then it’s likely an example of out-tuition.  

If you receive a vision that you are babysitting your future niece, then this is intuition, as this is information for you. Energetic information that is about someone else’s mental health and survival that isn’t inherently liked to you, is all considered out-tuition. How do we set up an energetic space so that we narrow our focus on information that is just meant for us? My student Darlene was an empath and highly sensitive. When she took the Fleur intuition course, she learned that having a clean energetic space can have a profound impact not only on ourselves, but on those around us as well. 

Boundary work and mental health

Boundaries, in the traditional therapeutic sense may be a familiar concept for you. Guided conversations with therapists can help bring suppressed deeper issues to light. A therapist will find patterns in your relationships where boundaries are unclear or consistently crossed and help you understand the root of your difficulties, some of which may date back to early childhood. Additionally, therapists will often work with you to develop clear, assertive communication techniques that enable you to express your needs effectively. I always suggest for my students of the Fleur intuition course to pair intuition work with traditional talk therapy, and to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with, who can provide you with a supportive, non-judgmental space. Talking out deep-seeded issues can help your mental health and help gain insight as to why you struggle with boundaries in the first place. 

The topic of boundary work has recently been gaining some popularity in regards to work-life balance (1). Since going into quarantine in 2020, there has been a cultural shift as more employees began setting boundaries around work, prioritizing family, physical, spiritual, and mental health, and emotional wellbeing (2). More and more businesses have been realizing that productivity and mental health improves in the workplace when employees prioritize their emotional and spiritual wellness (3). Outside of work, prioritizing wellness setting boundaries can improve all aspects of your life. 

Dealing with negative energy

The work I do with students is energetic boundary work. The two are related, but separate. They are related because the strength of your interpersonal boundaries will often mirror the strength of your energetic boundaries (4). They differ in that interpersonal boundaries are set by speaking, doing, and acting. Energetic boundaries are… energetic. They involve pulling back your subconscious attention, protection, and creating safety within your own space. 

Darlene has always been sensitive to other people’s emotions. She’s highly intuitive and an empath, but would take on a lot of negative energy that wasn’t hers. She didn’t have a healthy relationship with her family, and they would mock her for being thin-skinned. This would have an impact on Darlene’s mental health, and she would feel overwhelmed and emotionally drained, unable to distinguish between her own emotions and the emotions of others.  

“I used to come home and be depleted for days or weeks,” Darlene says, “I used to feel crazy, and now I think it was just the negative energy, like utter chaos. I was being bombarded with a million different things that I can’t see that are negative, and you’re kind of just wanting to put your hands up to protect yourself, but it’s something unseen.”

After doing the Fleur intuition course, Darlene went home for a funeral. Deaths in the family result in high emotions and it can be difficult to retain an emotional perimeter in these circumstances. This time, Darlene noticed a dramatic shift. “Some drama happened, but I stayed centered. I was doing Fleur’s exercises when I was there. I even did one with my brother and his girlfriend,” Darlene smiles, “I almost felt like I was a person up on a mountain that was just like, ‘You guys can do your thing.’ Like I had a protective shield…. Now, I can go home and it doesn’t affect me. The bombardment of chaos, the negative energy, it would kind of invade me, and now it doesn’t get inside.”

Darlene’s story illustrates the impact that setting boundaries can have not only on ourselves, but on those around us. By taking control of her own energetic space, Darlene not only transformed her own life, but her boundary work even had an effect on her family. “It’s awesome that I took the Fleur intuition course, and they’re benefiting greatly from me taking a class, and that’s like, numerous people. And I think everything is connected so it just trickles out to maybe thousands of people! My positive energy has shifted their energy.” Many of my students mistakenly believe that setting boundaries is selfish, but they actually work to improve your relationships with those around you.

We all exchange energetic information with each other all day long. No one has the capacity to throw negative energy to you that sticks without your permission. By recognizing where you want to set a perimeter, you take ownership of your energetic space.

It is crucial that we recognize that our energetic boundaries are our responsibility. Just as we have rules in our interpersonal relationships to protect ourselves from harm, setting energetic boundaries safeguard our emotional wellness (5). If you are noticing that you are outside of yourself a lot, you are probably putting a lot of weight on your out-tuition. One of the first steps in boundary work is to get clear on what you do and don’t want to allow into your energetic space. Maybe you want to be able to receive information about your child, but do you really need to be feeling the negative energy from the stranger in the car next to you?  Once you recognize where you want to have the border around your positive energy, it becomes a lot harder for that negativity to pass through. 

You can prioritize the self by working on managing your interpersonal relationships. If you are a people pleaser and empath, remember that the limits you set with the people in your life will mirror the boundaries to protect your spirit core. When you start to notice the negative energy from others infiltrating your energetic boundaries, it’s essential to have tools and techniques in place to keep yourself grounded and clean your energetic space. I offer a variety of exercises, meditations, and lectures designed to help clear your energetic space. 

Here are some exercises from the Fleur intuition course that you can do at home when you are feeling overwhelmed by negative energy:

1. Focus in self-awareness. Be conscious of the situations where you are taking on the burdens of others. 

• Visualize the situation. What do you observe about yourself? How do you feel?

• What are you finding challenging or stressful?

• What is going on around you? Can you differentiate between the negative and positive energy?

• Close your eyes and take a moment to contemplate that your boundaries are completely your responsibility and no one else’s.

• Feel your body and acknowledge that this is YOUR body and your responsibility.

• Visualize positive energy returning as light.

• What positive energy feels right for you?

• What negative energy doesn’t feel right for you?

• “I hear you, but I do not resonate with your approach to this.”

• “I respect that this is your truth, but mine is different.”

• “I am feeling a little over-powered by the way you are saying that.”

• Close your eyes. Relax and let go into your breath.

• With each exhale, release doubt and your lack of self-trust. 

• Push out doubting energy with your breath and hands.

• As you inhale, fill yourself with positive energy.

• Take time every day to do something to love yourself. Walk outside, drink a cup of coffee, smell the flowers, smile at yourself in the mirror. 

• Remember that the burdens of others are not your responsibility.

• Make the commitment to boundary work, starting now. 

• Set an alarm on your phone to remind yourself of your daily boundaries. 

If you feel like others are trying to infiltrate your energetic space, here are some journal prompts that might help:

1. Consider an unhealthy relationship in your life where lines are often crossed. What boundaries could you set to improve your relationship?

2. Think about a time when you successfully enforced a boundary in your life. What steps did you take to make sure that was respected?

3. Consider the intuitive moments that you have had in your life. Were those moments of out-tuition or intuition? 

4. Are there any burdens that you are holding onto that are not yours to bear?

5. How can setting energetic boundaries help the other people in your life?

6. Were you a people pleaser and empath as a child? When did this start?

7. Was there a moment during your childhood when your spiritual limits were crossed? How does that memory still affect you today? 

Works Cited:

1. Kelly, J. (2023, October). How To Prioritize A Healthy Work-Life Balance in 2024. Retrieved from Forbes: https://www.forbes.com/sites/jackkelly/2023/12/26/how-to-prioritize-a-healthy-work-life-balance-in-2024/?sh=32eaa5f177bf
   

2. Dickler, J. (2024, January). Employers and workers are at odds over work-life balance — here’s who is winning . Retrieved from CNBC: https://www.cnbc.com/2024/01/23/employers-and-workers-are-at-odds-over-work-life-balance.html
   

3. Dobbin, F., & Kalev, A. (2022, October). The Surprising Benefits of Work/Life Support. Retrieved from Harvard Business Review: https://hbr.org/2022/09/the-surprising-benefits-of-work-life-support
   

4. Lobel, D. S. (2023, December). How to Set Interpersonal Boundaries Gently. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/my-side-of-the-couch/202312/how-to-set-interpersonal-boundaries-gently
   

5. Verdolin, J. (2024, January). Psychology Today. Retrieved from What We Need to Know About Setting Healthy Boundaries: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wild-connections/202312/whats-our-responsibility-in-setting-boundaries